Please Move That Vacuum From Your Thoughts to the Cleaner

BBC pic

For Swiss Toni, a car is like a beautiful woman.

Well, dahlinks, a vacuum cleaner is like a beautiful car being operated (usually) by a beautiful woman.

The Baron is the sort of person who when he gets a new mobile phone, he reads the booklet accompanying it twice - including the part in Korean. But he has never ever read the booklets accompanying the dishwasher, washing machine or vacuum cleaner. There is a sociological study of electrical goods which asks people to colour them pink or blue; under a woman's control or a man's. If you do this in your own home, you may be surprised by the number of complicated electronic devices which will work only with a woman's tender touch.

I knew of one bloke who had a truly gorgeous MILF. 'N do you know what, as soon as they moved in together, he totally lost the ability to operate the washing machine - he could not wash clothes any more at all at all.

And it used to be his washing machine.

(No. I do not think the truly gorgeous MILF lives there any more, dahlinks, so if you are looking for a bloke who requires all his laundry done there is one going spare somewhere round here.)

I have discovered tiny black jumping things on the kitty cats. (Think of the collective noun 'a circus of performing ...'.) This means I cannot any longer leave the vacuum cleaning in the hopes that the Baron will remember it is his domestic duty and one day realise in a blinding flash that vacuuming properly involves going behind the sofas and down the backs of them, not just airily floating over blank spaces in between without moving heavy furniture in case that strains his tummy.

Unnnnfo-ortunately, it seems that the Baron, having neglected to do the full literature review on vacuum cleaners, failed to realise that the vacuum cleaner needed to have all the dust 'n fluff emptied out of it occasionally. Even though the vacuum cleaner has a transparent plastic casing through which you can see dust 'n fluff 'n small pieces of lego dancing the night away. The Baron has not either considered that the filters might require washing 'n changing every three months. So for two years the vacuum cleaner has had nothing done to it to maintain it.

Yet the Baron regularly takes the black car for a service.

I know you will be astonished to hear that the poor ole vacuum cleaner had a hissy fit 'n now it sulks and does not suck properly. Personally, I think it is v. important to suck properly, especially for a vacuum cleaner.

I am loathe to use the Sex Kitten strategy on the Baron so I put it to him straight 'n simple.

You (cuz you live here too! so maybe you could do some things for the house) could find a vacuum cleaner repair shop. They are few and far between. Our vacuum cleaner was a gift from Outlaw Mom's friend and is an upright model. Acksherly we have a house with several small rooms, not open plan, so a cylinder model would be more appropriate for us. Now we have pets so we also need one that comes with a turbo brush to pick up pet hair and awaken eager flea larvae. (Vacuuming does not pick them up; it tickles them awake so you can spray them all to Hell - er, in a bad Buddhist sort of way, sorry life force of the universe! I'll do better next reincarnation - or I would do, 'cept I am not that kind of Buddhist.)

From John Lewis's
vacuum cleaner buying guide.

There are three cylinder vacuum cleaners I am willing to have. An exceptionally expensive one, a middling cheap one and a cheap one. I want the expensive one but I will take the cheap one if I have to cuz it is £50 less than the middling one and no different reely, 'n I would rather be taken to a £50 lunch at Carluccio's.

Before you start drawing your breath in with a sharp hiss, saying that these vacuum cleaners are all v. expensive, and that maybe if someone-else is v. careful with the household budget - implying that she is a thriftless slut - she can have a vacuum cleaner for Christmas, stop and jiggle two brain cells together. (Y'know, just like you sometimes jiggle two things when you have one hand in your pocket - wink.)

What would you say if your Department refused to buy you essential equipment without which you could not deliver on your job, unless you spent a bit less money on textbooks for the library and then maybe you could get it given to you with a bow round it at the Christmas party?

Remember too that even a v. expensive vacuum cleaner is way way cheaper than a Series III Jaguar E type convertible. And that if necessary your head could always be rubbed over the carpet, making good use of any vacuum created by lack of consideration for someone who is having to clean toilets and carpets and do ironing and take care of your Dad when she would rather be looking for a paid job.

From Lantern Hollow Press.