Sunday, 29 September 2013

The MILF's inner tubes ...

Pic from Female Pédale
Now now. Don't get too excited. What we are talking about here is if you get a puncture in your bicycle tyre. 'Course you can stand by the side of the road with your skirt hitched up, but I greatly prefer to do that while leaning on the bonnet of a Jaguar E Type. It is hard to lean casually on the frame of a push cycle 'n I like getting my hands dirty (wink) so if I get a puncture, I just push the li'l ole bike home and fix it myself.

'Kay, first off - flip your bike over onto its back. Yah, just let it lie there in the sunshine all nice 'n comfy. You know purrfectly well how comfy it can be to just lie back (wink), well get the bike like that.

Here by my bicycle I have set out all the things I will be needing. I just did that to show them to you, acksherly when I start working on the bike I will put the tools out on the patio table cuz I do not bend over these days just for a bicycle wheel <snerk>.
This is the wheel we will be fixing today. See that lever on it? This is a quick release wheel. They came in a while ago, making it a whole lot easier to fix a puncture on a bicycle on the go. Like, on my super duper touring bike both wheels were quick release. The downside of this is, if you are leaving the bike in a public place for any length of time, you have to lock up both the wheels and the frame cuz it is v. easy to snap back that lever and just steal the wheel.

This li'l beauty has a quick release wheel on the front and the back wheel is bolted in place with a regular screw. (You can of course do that screw slow and comfortable if you like <snerk>.)

Here is my back wheel with regular screw. Oh and that other lot of stuff is the derailer. Don't you worry your pretty li'l head about that, sweet thing. We will be leaving anything to do with the derailer up to the seriously devoted bicycle boyzzz in the shop.
'Kay, back to the front wheel which has the puncture. On the other side to the snappy lever, you will see something like this. That black cap is going to be in our way - so it needs to come off. Caps off, lads! There will be all sorts of naked screwing going on here! (I mean in other circumstances, you of course want to take the advice of The Specials: "Try wearing a cap." I am a v. responsible MILF, y'know. My werewolves are renowned for safe sex, yah, you don't have to mention that slut the Whore of Catylon who snuck off without contraception while my back was turned - gah.)
And voilà! here is a screw and nut. I would not dream of telling you how to screw your nuts off, I am only going to say: get them off in style (wink).

Acksherly you only need to loosen the screw, not get it completely off. We like it loose here (wink).
'N now it is time to snap back the snappy catch for your quick release wheel. It is a li'l bit like snapping a suspender snap, 'cept completely different. Once you have snapped it back, the wheel lifts so-o-o easily out of the forks, you would not believe. (Yah, we like it to be easy as well as loose here - wink).
And here for your delectation and delight are the empty forks. 

Oh dear! a MILF does not like to see empty forks. We like them to be laden with spagetti bolognese what we made according to Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's recipe or spearing some delicious brussel sprout cooked just so and rolled in butter. But these forks must stand empty for a li'l while. 

You c'n acksherly use spoons for this next bit. I like toys, er I mean tools, so I have this nifty pair of blue things to get the tyre off the wheel. You slip one inside the rim ...

Then you lift the edge of the tyre over the rim of the wheel. See, rimming is no trouble at all at all.
Hah! And here we have the inner tube exposed to the fresh air and sunshine. Squidgy squidgy - no air in the damn thing at all, bless it.  

'Kay this is the valve. Do not get to be confusing it with the spoke nipple (wink). (There is so such a part on a bicycle. It is that li'l thing you can see holding the spoke to the wheel.) A valve lets the air in and out. In and out. Makes a hissing noise if you press the inside nobbly bit as the air comes out - if your nipple does that, you better run off and see someone about it pronto. 

No, not me. I am a Dr. but not that kind. I do not mind inspecting a knee now and then (wink) but I draw the line at hissing nipples. 

Right then. While you have been carrying on, flirting in that naughty way (nudge wink), I have got the inner tube off the wheel. This is v. easy when it is deflated like this. Poor li'l thing, all flat and sad. 

Here are the tools you need for the next bit. Not the rhubarb, that is something Piglet has been playing with and left lying around on the patio table. This year the rhubarb bolted 'n HP says they are not good to eat once they go green or something so they became part of some Piglet game instead of crumble. 

Yah, that is a tub of water. It is all going to get wet as well as loose 'n easy (wink).  
Here is my bicycle pump with the valve connector sticking out the top. You can press it in and out. You can do that all day! In and out. Oh ... yah, the puncture. 
The valve connector screws into the other end of the pump. (You are right! there is lots of screwing involved in this. How unusual for my blog - wink.) 
'N here is the bicycle pump screwed into the valve, connected up and dangling from the inner tube. No, I do not think it looks suggestive at all. I don't know what it reminds you of, we are here just pumping up the inner tube. No, I would not dream of calling this a blow job <snerk>. 
Stick your inner tube into the water. You can see there a patch I put on when I had a puncture a couple of weeks ago. (I am starting to wonder if I need to get a new inner tube or maybe there is some problem inside the wheel, cuz this one does seem to require the fondling, blowing, getting all wet experience on a rather frequent basis.) 
There we go! I have been running the inner tube through the wetness and I have seen a li'l stream of bubbles coming up. That is where your hole is. Your hole in the inner tube! If li'l bubbles are coming out of ... go and see a proper doctor! 
Here is the puncture repair kit all laid out by the inner tube. This is the sort of thing the MILF adores. It is cheap 'n handy (wink). 

Laid out here from the right are the yellow crayon and piece of chalk (those are for marking where the hole is in case it is a teeny tiny tight one and you cannot see it). Next to them are the patches. Then the glue. Some useless instructions and a piece of sandpaper. 
I am not going to bother with the yellow crayon or chalk cuz as you can see, my hole is big 'n you can see it purrfectly well with the naked eye. 

No, that yellow thing is just a bit of my apron. Did you not notice all that black grease on my thumb earlier? Gasp! I make sure I protect my li'l ole cream broderie anglaise Jaegar dress while I fix a puncture in the garden. I might need that dress for hitching up while I lean on the bonnet of a Jaguar E Type. (LOL, what are you like, 'course I do not wear a bloody cream broderie anglaise dress while fixing my bike! I wear some li'l scoop neck cotton number - which I do protect with an apron marginally cuter than the dress.) 
Here is the patch. You should peel it away from the transparent plastic and the tin foil cover but the boyzzz in the bicycle shop assured me that you do not peel the black circle off of the orange circle. (I thought not but I decided to check as I do not wish to be giving you misleading instructions on here about how to finger your hole. The boyzzzz did not giggle very much when I asked, and agreed heartily that the instructions are written in a misleading and exceedingly poorly illustrated fashion.) 

You want to dry your inner tube with a tissue, then rough up the area around your hole with the sandpaper. (We like a bit of rough - wink. Especially while tackling something loose, wet and easy <snerk>.) Stick some of the glue on. Wait for one minute (or however long the leaflet says you should wait; they are usually at least clear on this). Stick the patch on and amuse yourself for a few minutes while it dries. 

Gosh, sweet thing! Far be it from me to suggest how you might amuse yourself for a few minutes in a sunny garden with a bicycle pump to hand. 

'Kay, now you are going to let down the inner tube and slot it into the tyre. You need it to be flat for the next bit. Let air out by pressing on the valve so it hisses not like your nipple for a minute and then just run the inner tube all round inside the tyre so it fits in nice 'n snug like ... like a finger in a ... in a glove. 
Make sure you slot the valve into the hole in the bicycle rim. 

I am saying nothing. This does not remind me of anything (wink). 
You want both your li'l blue toys ... er, tyre levers, for this next bit. One rim of the tyre should already be completely fitted inside the rim of your wheel. The other will be hanging over the rim on the other side. You put one tyre lever inside the rim and hold the tyre rim in place. Then you run the other one round so that the tyre rim slides back into place rapidly. You may have to make an extra effort pushing at the end. I find there quite often is need for some extra effort to get things properly finished off at the end. 
Oh Kay! pop that wheel back into the front forks. Make sure it's well fitted so the brake blocks are going to grip on the wheel rim when you need to apply the brakes. 

Rescrew the screw. Remember to put the all important cap on! Snap the lever down again. If this is too stiff, you need to loosen your screw. Just a little bit. Don't make it loose and easy to get off (wink). Just so someone would have to work at it - cuz a li'l bit of screwing around is such fun. 

And now we can blow up the inner tube again, pump away at it - all snuggly wuggly fitted into the tyre. (You should save this bit till last as otherwise the wheel does not fit between the brake blocks. You do not want to be pushing hard, your face getting all flushed 'n sweaty, just to get a bicycle wheel into position.) 

And ... ready to go! 

Hey, you, bicycle! Get off your back and think of Scotland, LOL. 

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