Way of the MILF - Losing Weight Tip # 1

Bravissimo

Buy a new bra.

Yah yah, if you are wearing the wrong size of bra - and about 99% of women are, then your boobs are all squashed out of shape. You need to get something which will lift up your boobs 'n hold them properly so your figure can be shown off well. It is amazing the number of women to whom people say: "Gosh you lost weight!" when they acksherly just bought a properly fitted bra for the first time.

There are lots of places that say they fit a bra properly but they don't. I mean big names what I am not going to name here cuz I do not want a big fat lawsuit on my doorstep. If there is going to be fat around I like it marbled through a piece of Aberdeen Angus fillet steak which has been matured for six weeks.

Flickr pic

'Kay you cubs (cuz I know you have snuck in here pretending you are looking at pix of bras when you too are secretly fretting that you are chubby), you can buy a new bra if that is your thing. Otherwise you can get a more snugly fitted pair of jeans. Sloppy jeans do not make you look like a little slim thing in jeans that are too big, they make you look sloppy. C'mon now! if you have got buns then the least you can do is show 'em off to us. Give 'em a shake as you go hang out my laundry. Yes! now we are partying! Ooooh, there is nothing nicer than a pair of good buns well outlined in snugly fitted denim (wink). You cannot pinch if there is not an inch to pinch, y'know.

'Kay, you kittens. I shop for my bras at Bravissimo. They fit properly 'n they do the larger laydees. Not that I am saying anything about my bosoms, 'cept that they are nothing to be ashamed of 'n I dress them in style <snerk>. This was not always the case. For several years I clung to a struggling drudge identity. I wore old breast-feeding bras which had been badly fitted 'n were stretched well beyond their throw-it-in-the-bin date. Nobody bought me oysters and champagne. Even I thought I was boring, cuz 'smatteroffact, I was boring. But these days, sweetie, I go sashaying through the streets 'n I have to kick them back, believe me. All because I wear a well-fitted bra, LOL.

What you want to look for in a bra is:

Boosaurus offers 5 tips to help you
spot a badly fitted bra. 

One - do the wires curving in the centre of the bra lie snugly to your chest in the valley between your Alpine range. If the wires are standing proud of your chest the cup size is too small for you.

Two - does the cup fit pleasantly round one of your boobies, without leaving room in there for a family of fieldmice to set up home. Your two boobies are different sizes so one of them will have to be a li'l bit free 'n easy but there should be a good snug fit for the other one.

Three - can you hook the bra up on the last set of hooks. You want to be sure 'n do this cuz the bra will stretch, 'n then you can gradually move up the sets of hooks until you reach the last one when you throw the bra away and buy a new one! You do not keep it hanging around cuz you think you cannot afford a new bra. You cannot afford to leave your prize assets hanging in badly fitted bras or people will think you are putting on weight, there.

LOL, OK, it is not only because I wear a good bra that I sometimes find a stranger is strangely generous to me (wink). There was a stage I had to go through in order to feel I deserved to buy myself a proper and well-fitted bra.

I once had to go to my physiotherapist cuz I had bad pains in my fingers. I could not do my writing cuz of the buzzy fuzzy pain in my littlest finger and the one next to it. I thought it was cuz I was doing too much typing.

But the physiotherapist said: "No." He said it was coming from my neck, where the nerves for your fingers are all bunched up. He said I should sort out my posture and was I free for dinner on Thursday.

I began to straighten my back and walk with my head up. This necessitated sticking my chest out. As I went about my business and attended lectures given by eminent blokes and asked pointy questions in a postmodern feminist way about things they were saying, I felt as if I were poking my great big boobs out and saying: "Look at my boobs while you answer."

Shutterstock. See how
these glasses distract
from the cleavage?

'Course they were looking at my boobs anyway, cuz unfortunately I have always had 20/20 vision and so I can't have glasses to peer over which might have distracted from the boobs.

I did not acksherly want answers to my pointy questions directed at the point of my boobs, so I realised I had always gone about my business hunched up and hiding them as best I could. I tried to flatten my body out and look like a bloke cuz blokes are normal and invisible and can get on with their business while gurrrlzzz have to go: "La la la, I am intelligent too, y'know, stop looking at my boobs."

From Disney wikia

Even if you are hunched up like Quasimodo, men will look at your boobs so get over it. Straighten your back, stand tall and buy a new bra so they have something decent to look at. Stick those boobs out in a way that says: "Yeah? My brain is even bigger so answer my question without stuttering, if you please."

Everyone will say: "G-G-Gosh, you've lost weight." You can smile smugly. 'Course I say: "Oh no, I bought a new bra. It is green with delicious dark pink roses embroidered on it," 'n I give the prize assets a li'l shake, cuz I like to hear a nice stutter <snerk>. Champagne? That'll do nicely.